Doom of the bad guy!
by Milwaukee Meg
Summary: OMG! The Bad Guy wants to take over the universe - and what's worse - ENTERPRISE! Parody.
1. The search for the Plot

MILWAUKEE: HELLO!!! You might be a bit surprised, but I do own Star Trek!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

SPOCK: Actually, you do not.

MILWAUKEE: Don't spoil me fun. And yeah, I don't own ST:TOS coz if I did, it would be much better!

SPOCK: Actually, it is illogical to assume that under your supervision it would be …

MILWAUKEE: Okey dokey, Spockey. Geez…

McCOY: "Spockey"? (chuckles)

MILWAUKEE: On with the story now!

THE DOOM OF VILLAIN

PART ONE: THE SEARCH FOR PLOT

NARRATOR: It was quite usual day on the starship Enterprise and everybody was doing their usual useless jobs. Redshirts were dying on regular intervals, Kirk was flirting with Yeoman, McCoy was thinking of witty remarks to use on Spock, Spock was doing strange things with weird beeping machines, and authoress was searching for chocolate so nothing could happened. BUT THEN:

SCOTTY: Sir, the transporter seems to be… dramatic music transporting someone!!!

EVERYONE ON THE BRIDGE: OH NO!!!!

KIRK: Get a dozen redshirts to the transporter room, but don't give them any weapons: they could hurt themselves!

SCOTTY:( in background we can hear phaser shots and screams) Too late, sir.

KIRK: Bugger. Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura and everyone with name: go to the transporter room! May the Force be with us!

MILWAUKEE: (Appears suddenly) Whoa! I just went to fetch some chocolate and entire plot is running crazy! facepalm, disappears

PLOT: (well, it's running crazy)

NARRATOR: And our bold & beautiful fellowship…

CHEKOV: It'z ztarship, not fellowship! I'm no fellow to YOU!

NARRATOR: FELLOWSHIP of the … well… phaser!

SPOCK: Your allusion to Lord of the Rings is unnecessary and quite bizarre.

NARRATOR: Mumbling! I can't understand the word you're saying!!! But…

UHURA: It isn't nice to talk about someone's butt!!

PLOT: (as we can see it was having a coffee break, so it got kicked by random backstage person and gets back to work)

NARRATOR: Good. Kirk and rest of the bridge crew went to the transporter room…

(Suddenly: violet smoke, dramatic music, drums, trumpets and lightening. SILVIA appears)

SILVIA: Wow! A lightening in space!!!

KIRK: Who are you, how did you come here, and why do you want to take Enterprise?! Answer, or I'll let Spock lecture you about lightening or other scientific things(shivers violently, so does the rest of the crew, excluding Spock).

SULU: That'd be too cruel, sir!

SILVIA: Uncle, don't you recognise me? It's me, Silvia, your sister's daughter!

KIRK: WOW, I have a sister! I didn't know it! (hugs Silvia) you're for sure my favourite niece!!!

SPOCK: With due respect sir – she could be lying. I know for sure that you do not have a sister, captain.

SILVIA: Well, I might be daughter of his brother… Can't remember, sorry.

UHURA: How can you not remember your family?!

SILVIA: Well, I am relative of Einstein, niece of Monty Python, cousin of Sauron, Voldemort's granddaughter, goddaughter of King Arthur and all his Knights of the Round Table, cousin of Superman and step-sister of Batman, closely related to Conan the Barbarian, once engaged to Pink Floyd. Nice guy, by the way. And I am of course brother of Artemis Fowl.

SPOCK: Brother?

SILVIA: Yeah, Plot demanded. Well, and my mother left me when I was two, and my father died from brain obliteration. Next my mother died in car crash while my father died second time fighting the vampires. You can't expect me to remember everyone from my family!

SPOCK: (checks the readings on tape recorder called in XXIII century Tricorder, because it sounds scientifically) You are not a human.

SILVIA: I'm half-vulcan, half-human, half-klingon, half-romulan, half-elf, half-hobbit, half-dwarf, half-dragon, half-angel, half-devil, half-centaur, half-siren, half-gangsta, half-fairy, half-vampire, half-zombie, half-brain-eating-slug-of-doom, half Alien, half-Predator and a half-table.

SPOCK: That would mean that you are 10 persons in one body. It is illogical and fascinating. That is life, Jim, but not as we know it.

UHURA: Half-table?!?!?!?!?!

SILVIA: (wipes the tear out of her eye) Poor grandpa Steve, he was a slash pine once, but they made a table out of him. He still stands in our kitchen. My mum always says "don't slop the soup on grandpa Steve or I'll kill your hamster with a hammer"…

McCOY: I don't like this Jim.

KIRK: Why not? My niece is quite nice.

McCOY: Yes, but it is just my second line so far!!!!

MILWAUKEE: HELLO!!! WHERE'S THE PLOT?!?!?!?!?!?!

RANDOM BACKSTAGE PERSON (RBP): He hides under the table!

MILWAUKEE: Get up from under grandpa Steve! Control situation, for Merlin's sake!!

SULU: Sake? I like sake. Where is it?!?!?!! (searches for sake)

MILWAUKEE: AND YOU!!!!!!! (points to Narrator)

NARRATOR: Heh (hides under Grandpa Steve)

(WARNING: THIS CONTAINS A LOT OF PREVALENCE AND EVEN MORE VIOLNCE. AND A STRAWBERRY PIE. If YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD, PUT YOUR HEAD IN A BUCKET FULL OF PIRANIAS OR REWIND TO THE NEXT WARNING)

MILWAUKEE: (a strawberry pie appears from nowhere) I'll get you for not narrating the whole story and letting Plot to go crazy!

PLOT: Actually, I'm quite sane!

NARRATOR: heh, you see, O, Almighty Authoress, I just went to the toilet…

MILWAUKEE: I don't want to hear it!!!!

NARRATOR: So why did you ask???

MILWAUKEE: KILL, DESTROY, ANIHILATE!!!! (throws a strawberry pie at narrator)

NARRATOR: (well, pie stops on his face) AGH!!! My face, my braaain…. 'm dying!!!

MILWAUKEE: Drama queen. (disappears)

(WARNING. IT IS THE END OF HIGHLY INTERESING MOMENT WITH VIOLNCE. IF YOU ARE STILL ALIVE, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HEAD FROM BUCKET FULL OF PIRANIAS. )

NARRATOR: So… Well… Kirk and his crew..

SILVIA: …and Silvia…

NARRATOR: …went to the transporter room. And there…

THE END OF PART ONE

KIRK: WHAT? What happens when we get there?

NARRATOR: Don't ask me, I lost a page from the script.

MILWAUKEE: Silvia under her original name Sylwia is heroine of my parodies in polish. If you know this beautiful language, read it – it's actually better than this.

SILVIA: actually, you like word actually.


	2. Gangsta Style

MILWAUKEE: Nope, not mine. But I'm working on it… (devilish smile, pats MiMe Time Machine ™) Well, I DO own Silvia and redshirt D. But, on with the story.

THE DOOM OF THE BAD GUY

PART TWO: Gangsta style

NARRATOR: As we all can remember cpt Kirk and his crew…

SILVIA: …and Silvia…

NARRATOR: … went to the transporter room, where something was transporting itself aboard. So cpt. Kirt and his crew…

SILVIA: … and Silvia…

NARRATOR: Are now standing in transporter room, waiting for their doom!

McCOY: That wasn't a good piece of poetry.

NARRATOR: You think?

McCOY: (evil smile) Yeah, try it more… gangsta style. If you move your hands in that silly way, no one will even know you have told something. (Narrator disappears). Stup.

KIRK: Yeah... Spock, what is transporting aboard? Any ideas?

SPOCK: Not enough data to analyse, but I can make some assumptions. This are eevil-oompa-loompas from Oompa Planet. I believe their birth names are Jeen, Peen and Keen. They are followers of the Bad Guy, resident villain of this part of the galaxy.

KIRK: ...

McCOY: Assumptions, Spock? How could you tell all of it, you green blooded hob-goblin?! (thinks)( To himself: ) I'm getting old with this. I must think of some better insults.

SPOCK: I read the script.

NARRATOR: (appears in gangsta outfit, while talking he moves hands in this silly way) Yo men! Wazzup? Watcha doin' dude?

CHEKOV: HEY! If he can be gangsta, then vhy I can't be emo child? (his appearance changes to emo one) Thanks! Oh, joi! (reflects) I meen : Oh, hov terrible! I'm going to cut myself!

PRETTY RED-SHIRT GIRL(PRG): (appears) Owww… Let me help you! Come to my quarter. And I'll call my friends, and we will do anything for you, you poor, poor, boy!!!! I always loved emo guys…

CHEKOV: (happily) It reely vorks!!!

SULU: Hey! I want to be a musketeer!!! (he sees that he is in musketeer outfit) HA! I'll save you, fair _mademoiselle_. (grabs PRG)

PRG: I always loved strong, musketeer guys! Come to my quarters, and I'll show you to my friends!!!

CHEKOV: I'm deepresed. I too depressed to even cut meself.

McCOY: You know what? I never wanted to be a doctor. I always wanted to be a LUMERJACK!!! (he rips his uniform, only to reveal lumberjack's clothing)

CANADIAN POLICE CHOIR: (appears)

McCOY: (sings) I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!

PRG: I always loved lumberjacks!

CPC: (sing) He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and works all day!

MCCOY: (sings) I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' ,and have buttered scones for tea.

CPC: (sing)He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shoppin' And has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.

McCOY: (sings)I cut down trees. I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars.

CPC: (sing)He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing (confusion) And hangs around in bars?! He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.

McCOY: (sings)I cut down trees. I wear high heels, Suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Papa.

CPC: He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, Suspendies, and a bra?! (they mutter and disappear)

PRG: Ow, doctor, and I thought you were sooo manly! (runs out crying)

SILENCE: (falls. It is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, but in this scene he was replaced by a stuntman. Falling can be dangerous!!!)

McCOY: (coughs) well, we all have some stupid dreams…

SPOCK: If you are done singing, doctor, you might be able to see that my assumptions were indeed correct. (points to transporter where we can see oompa loompas)

OOMPA LOOMPA I (OLI): We are eevil oompa-loompas from Oompa Planet, and we are here to take control over your ship, on behalf of the Bad Guy, the most evil character in this galaxy and in his free time a bricklayer.

KIRK: NO WAY you are taking MY ship!!! You have to kill me first!

OOMPA LOOMPA II: Ok. (takes out a gun) If you wish.

KIRK: Er… I meant… You have to kill all red shirts here first.

OOMPA LOOMPA III: I thought you said: "kill me first"?

KIRK: I have a catarrh. You just misheard me.

OLI: Ok, we will kill them. (walks out with other oompa loompas)(comes back after a while)Where can we find you then?

KIRK: In quadrant omega.

OLI: Oh, good. (walks out)

KIRK: Good. And now we RUN. (attemps to run, but Spock stops him)

SPOCK: May I ask exactly WHERE you wish to run, captain?

KIRK: Away.

NARRATOR: And our bold and courageous captain Kirk made a difficult decision to fight with evil Oompa-Loompas…

KIRK: Wait, I did not!

NARRATOR: Well, the plot demands that you fight.

KIRK: And risk my life? Or worse, my beautiful face???

NARRATOR: Yes, basicly that. BUT you will have the opportunity to rip your shirt in sexy way, that will lure hot alien chicks.

KIRK: Hot alien chicks? Hey, I'm in. Besides, only red-shirts are dead or injured at the end of episode.

SPOCK: I believe that you captain are responsible for extermination of red-shirts. However, I believe I can call one right away, to make our chances for survival greater. ENSIGN D!

D: (walks in. Typical red-shirt, but with camera – as he speaks he takes photos) HELLO! I'm the best red-shirt in the whole universe! Could you stay more to the right, doctor? Ah, thank you. And what is better, I will be alive at the end of this episode… Mr Spock, could you SMILE???

UHURA: Why are you so sure that you will be alive?

D: I'm one of the best friends of authoress. And one hell of a trekkie. If she kills me in this, I won't lend her TNG 1 season. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

MILWAUKEE: You are too sure of yourself, young padawan. I'm getting more and more into Star Wars.

D: Traitor!

KIRK: Well... So what are we going to do?

NARRATOR: Fight evil oompa loompas, of course.

SPOCK: The only logical course of action would be to take our phasers and shoot alien beings.

SILVIA: And I'm telling you, that it'll useless, because they are immortal. Only thing that can kill them is the Oompa-Loompa-Killer-Machine, which stands in guarded place in the middle of The Bad Guy's Castle.

CHEKOV: Hov can you tell?

SILVIA: You see, I'm All-Knowing-Character and Mary Sue, but I hide myself well under the name of Silvia!!!

SULU: You can't know everything!!!!

SILVIA: I know everything! Well, when plot demands me not knowing I might get a bit evasive and forgetful, but I even know what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states!!!

SPOCK: The answer is, I believe, Henri Bergson. But I must traverse to…

CHEKOV: Never mind! Ve hawe to find dis Killer Machine. Vhat do ve do, kaptain?

KIRK: Eh… We split into two groups: Spock, McCoy and me…

SILVIA: 'And I'

KIRK: Yeah, you too, will beam down to the planet and kill The Bad Guy. The second group, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty and Uhura will destroy the machine.

D: (still taking photos) HEY! What about ME!!! I'm the most important red-shirt in this story!!!

KIRK: Oh, you still here? You didn't kill yourself with a carrot???

D: CARROT????!!!!

McCOY: Yeah, ensign Kowalsky did that once. His entire face was massacred, and his left leg was cut into stars. And he did it with a common carrot.

D: But I WANT to GO!!!!

SPOCK: It would be beneficial for us to take ensign D because him being alive can guarantee that Oompa Loompas will not commandeer the ship.

KIRK: Whatever… Ok, ensign, you may go with me, but don't cut your head off with a pencil.

D: YAY!!! I'll take more photos!!! What a joy!!!!

KIRK: I'll even give you a phaser!

CREW: OH NO!!!!

SPOCK: It might be dangerous and parlous to give a red shirt a weapon.

McCOY: Well, if red shirt can get himself killed by putting on a shoe, you may as well give him that… It will be quicker death.

NARRATOR: And two teams left the ship, to kill The Bad Guy. But when they beamed down, they saw…

CHEKOV: Vhat? Oh, boy, tell me vhat!!!!!

NARRATOR: They SAW…

SULU: What, what, tell me, tell me!!!!!!!

NARRATOR: THEY SAW…!!!!!!!!!!

UHURA: You boys are sooo impatient… But TELL ME WHAT WE SEE!!!!!!

NARRATOR: A sign.

SIGN: (bright pink neon) THE END OF PART TWO: GANGSTA STYLE

NARRATOR: OW, I forgot I'm gangsta!!!! (changes outfit into gangsta one) Wazzup?

SULU: Only a SIGN???? Pfff….

MILWAUKEE: Thanks, Danke and dziękuję Super Tinfoil Man Part 2 for a review (or rewiev). I LOVE YOU!!!

SPOCK: (raises eyebrow)

MILWAUKEE: Well, maybe I just thank you VERY MUCH. And to all of you, my dear readers: PLEASE, push the button on the left side of the screen, and write if you like it or no. PS.to Super Tinfoil Man Part 2: I believe that I fell on my head when I was little. Besides cheese is good. I mean, CRAZINESS is good, no cheese. May the force be with you.

MEG: In the next part: Combat Dachshund of Destruction, groovy music and a Strawberry Pie: Reloaded.


End file.
